Ok to break from the stuff we have put up this week lets discuss something fun and lighthearted…my funeral! See I was at a funeral this week and lately iv been thinking about what I would want. So here goes.
So firstly I don’t want it to be in a church but no matter what I say my family will have it in a church. I actually can’t come up with a better place that can hold my crazy send off anyway so let’s just assume it will be in one of those houses of lies! I would prefer a swimming pool as everybody’s best clothes would be destroyed, that would amuse my sexy corpse no end!
Ok so firstly the hearse. Rory your job for the day is to paint speed stripes all over that car and use a pickaxe to make speed holes in the bonnet and roof. Also can you hire a few lads to form a guard of honor for the car convey? Arm them with tiny discreet paintbrushes to hold out as the cars pass by to give everybody free speed stripes. Il be a campus hero!
When the lads carry my coffin to the front of the church I want ‘September’ by Earth, Wind and Fire playing. I dare anybody to listen to that song and not feel the urge to get funky. I want those lads to be petrified that they will drop the coffin!
Now that the coffin is at the front of the church and people sit down the priest will come out…dressed as Doink the Clown from 90s WWF! I dare you mourners not to laugh!
Now I am violently atheist person so the clown priest is not allowed to say a single prayer, not even one. Prayers at my funeral will be as useful as “Holy Water” or the Occupy Galway movement. The priests job is to read out pre-prepared Simpsons quotes to the roaring applause of my disgusting public. I want zero religious imagery so I also need somebody to cover up any Jesus stuff with pictures of Kanye West being kicked in the balls, right square in the balls.
Also I want a Ryan Giggs impersonator to do the ugoogley (not a typo, it’s a zoolander reference, get some knowledge yo!)
The Giggs impersonator is to be dressed in full united gear and a black veil to cover up his tears. His job is to fill the hearts of my mourners with sweet sweet lies about my “personality”. At the end of each sentence I want him to run from the alter and pound the coffin screaming “Why? Why?! He was so great, greater than me!”
Now I’m sure most of the people at my funeral will only be there to make sure that I’m dead. To help them be sure I want an open coffin so people can come up and poke me. At this point Rory will press the button on the remote in his pocket that will send shockwaves through my body causing me to jump upward. This will scare the bejesus out of my enemies and Rory will piss himself laughing, everybody wins.
At the end of the funeral, as I’m being carried out, I want the theme tune to Fireman Sam played. No particular reason, I just think that song is class.
Now, when they get to the horrifically destroyed hearse I want the 6 strongest men in the place to take over. They will play a game called “I can hit it from here” I want the coffin thrown in from at least 6 foot away from the hearse.
On the trip to the graveyard I want the car to stop at all of the places I hate so I can curse those places one last time.
The graveyard is where the real fun starts. My plot wont be one of these fancy dan “already dug out” plots. I want my mourners to dig my grave so that one guy has the opportunity of a lifetime to bust out the classic Simpsons line “No, Dig up, stupid!”
So that’s what I want. I have never been more serious about anything in my life. If I have a religious funeral you fucks are as dead to me as I will be to you…be warned.
I’m back…the creative juices are flowing.
Put that in your blog,