Recently I received feedback via the comments section here and on my own personal Facebook page from people who disagreed with my last blog entry regarding the social divide in Ireland and social welfare. It all culminated with a comment on here from a lady called Lisa. She insinuated The City Fathers may be pretentious so I reflected on myself since and did indeed feel that perhaps I was being a tad pretentious with my views. So Lisa if you are reading this, thank you for being my muse. I decided like the valiant Occupy protestors, I too would try to give back to my fellow man.
I went a little crazy and decided I was either in it completely or wasn’t at all and so decided I would in fact help those even less fortunate than humans. That’s right, I started my own animal sanctuary 🙂 The out pouring from people yesterday in support was amazing. By the end of the day my scenic acres of pristine country land was filled with all sorts of animals. I felt great knowing that pets given to children at Christmas such as Rabbits, Guinea pigs, Puppies, Kittens and even a couple of exotic animals such as a Gecko and Burmese Python would not simply suffer death at the hands of owners neglect. My friend from Connemara even brought me a baby seal, he felt it would be safer with me as it was in an area which is known for it’s government sanctioned culls, those bastards!. These animals would get a new beginning. They will be a part of my new animal sanctuary which will be free for all children to visit and I shall call it Lovely Lisas Animal Sanctuary.
Thank you again Lisa, the feeling I got when the first animals were delivered was truly over whelming, only to be topped when my dear father called to tell me he fully supported me, He told me he’d be right over with a suprise for my conservation project. My toes and fingers tingled in anticipation, the last time father promised me such a suprise it turned out to be a new Jet Ski! Whatever could this be I wondered.
He arrived just before dark with one of those carrying cages usually used for transporting cats. I was initially disappointed as we already had kittens and dadzy was usually really good with suprises but then he opened the cage and this strange looking animal came out, unlike anything I had ever seen before. It turns out Father had called an old chum from his golf club who’s son works in Dublin Zoo and this strange, yet beautiful creature was known as a Mongoose. I thanked father prefusely and invited him into the house to help me celebrate with some 12 year old Cogniac. Of course before we settled in for the night with our cogniac we made sure all the animals were taken care of. The baby seal seemed a little distressed, my heated swimming pool was not a good fit for him so I found a small cooler my chums and I once used for a weekend trip to Zambia. I put in some ice, placed the cute little fellow inside and felt at ease with my kind heart. As I was walking inside I saw the Gecko out of the corner of my eye and he too seemed in distress, it then hit me just like the Seal needs cold, the Gecko needs some warmth. He’s not use to this Irish weather. I picked him up and brought him inside, I had just the potted plant that he would love and I always made sure the house was toasty and warm 🙂
Father and I walked into the house through the glass door in the conservatory. I put the poor shaking reptile onto the plant, assured that I’d check on him later. So Daddy and I settled into our recliners for the evening swilling our delicious Cogniac with a sense of enormous well being. One drink, turned into two, which turned into four, An hour turned into two and then four and before I knew it we were pretty flamin’ hammered and having a great old laugh altogether. The craic was mighty as they say (They being the commoners) I decided I better check were the Gecko was, when I found him he was lying on his side and turning blue and shaking. In a panic I decided he needed warmth and needed warmth quick. In my drunken state I decided to act fast and put him in the Microwave, it was only on the lowest setting so a short spin could not hurt. It was then that I realized I had forgotten about the baby seal in the cooler and ran out to the garage where I left him. I meant to open the lid once he got cold to give him air and top up the ice but the hours had got away from me. Unfortunately when I got there the cooler was not a cooler anymore. It was a tiny baby seal coffin 😦 The poor bugger had suffocated due to my kind heart…After a couple minutes of crying I pulled myself together enough to realize I forgot about the Gecko in the microwave, as I ran into the kitchen I could hear a deafening clicking sound, as I got closer I noticed what looked like a murder scene. The window of the microwave was nearly completely covered in blood but I could see what was causing the clicking. It was a single claw caught underneath the spinning plate of the Microwave. My father consoled me and assured me it could happen to anybody. I told him we needed to check on the others. He told me we should wait until morning. The lighting had not yet been erected and it would be too difficult to see through the cage when it’s dark. I insisted so he told me we should get his Land Rover, pull it up and use the lights to see the other animals.
Like a man on a mission I climbed up into the jeep and with my Tiesto CD banging, I drove the jeep into position. I left it running so we could use the headlights and fog lights on full beam and attemped to climb out of the door but unfortunately slipped on the pedal and forgot to pull up the handbreak. I couldn’t get control quick enough and the high fencing fell forward under the weight of the jeep and kept going, as I got to the brake I heard a very loud screech. If you want to hear a bad noise then crush a Mongooses skull with your front tire. At that moment I felt just how the Pope must feel, nothing but good intentions resulting in hurting those lower than myself. I got out of the jeep and tilted the headlights on the grill to look around. On the plus side the fence did not crush the animals and the Mongoose was the only one who suffered from my DUI. Unfortunately however I found the dismembered corpse of all the other animal strewn across the enclosure. As it turns out if you leave rabbits, guinea pigs, kittens and puppies with a snake they will be eatin’ whole, which they were, the bodies were only on the lawn because unbeknownst to me the Mongooses are the natural enemies with snakes and our Mongoose made short work tearing apart at the snakes long body. Upset I grabbed a shovel and put what was left of the animals in a box that was in the back of the jeep. We left the jeep parked there and decided to try our best to get some sleep after the horrors we had just witnessed.
So here I am over 24 hours later. I’d like to try and recoup the losses on the fencing I bought and money towards repair for the grounds of my estate. I tried today to return the Mongoose to Dublin Zoo for a nominal fee but they declined and said and I quote “You are the Robert Mugabe of the Animal World and I hope you die a horrible death” So if anybody is interested I will be selling a perfectly good Mongoose corpse minus the head on ebay as of tomorrow. I also have 100 blood stained kids T-Shirts my father had in the box in his jeep as another suprise. They are yellow with colourful fun text saying “Lovely Lisas Animal Sanctuary: Come see our Mongoose”
Although saddened by the unfortunate loss of these beautiful creatures I feel thankful for the experience as I personally felt great and as though I made a real difference for those few hours, even if nobody else thinks so and even if people now think I’m a dumb, useless piece of shit that should get a job instead of trying to make me feel better about myself by championing a cause I don’t really fully understand. At least they’ll be calling me more names than a pretentious prick now I guess…that label stung. So Lisa, you had a profound effect on me and lead me to having a personally uplifting experience but at the same time you are partially responsible for the death of several poor innocent creatures. Thanks for reading the blog and please tell your friend(s).
I just Blogged my brains out,