Galway United Job Application from 2008

In 2008 I decided with my in depth football knowledge I would embark on an adventure to try and become the esteemed manager of Galway United when the position was vacant. I applied through the proper channels and got the then chairman Nick Leesons e-mail address and sent the following:

Cover Letter:

Hello Mr. Leeson,

My name is Rory Monaghan. I believe I have had a prominent position within the Irish football community for quite some time now and have a wealth of knowledge to share with the players and current Galway United staff alike. I have also held managerial roles in the business world which I feel is valuable for any potential candidates man management experience. I have developed a rapport with many football fans within the Galway area, having played and supported my local team for as long as I can remember. I appreciate your time and wish you and the club well in your future endeavours.

Kind Regards,

Rory

CV: I sent my CV complete with my actual academic results and experience and contact info but with the modified career history and interests:

Career History

 

Reserve Team Manager

Jun 1997  –April  2000

Yeovil Town

Full Time

Key duties:

    • I picked the team
    • I arranged the transport to away matches
    • I was voted best new manager in all of Yeovil in 1998
    • I did the laundry for training and match wears
    • I recorded a mix tape which was played before home games
    • I arranged social outings for the players depending on good results
    • I also handled the team budget and since we we’re amateur at the time it was really easy to launder
    • I based our style of play on the legendary Barry Town team from 1972, it was legendary because they just went out to end players careers

Key skills: Stealing others ideas, speaking in a loud and clear manner, driving a ride on lawnmower, Dealing with the media, ignoring the media and dealing with pressure

 

Career History (Continued)

Shop Assistant

May 2000- Feb 2006

Centra & Statoil Filling Station  Part Time & Summer    Work  

Key duties:

    • Managed large food and petrol orders coming into the shop
    • Ensured that I was issued with relevant documentation/invoices
    • Trained in new staff
    • Stocked Shelves
    • Prepared the cold food for the Deli for the next day
    • Cleaned the Cold and Hot food counters
    • Cooked and Served Hot Food
    • Did the manual car washes as well as maintained the automatic car wash
    • Opened the store when working mornings
    • Closed the store when working nights
    • Cashed up the tills at the end of the day

 

Key skills: Team Work/Customer Service/Communication Skill, Team Management

Career History (Continued)

Goalkeeping Coach

May 2006- Current

Longford Town Part Time

 

Key duties:

    • Motivational Speaking
    • Goalkeeper training
    • Training players to change positions
    • I successfully converted a reserve team striker into a somewhat successful goalkeeper, he only let in 250 goals his first season and successfully reduced this to 220 so far this season
    • Sitting behind the goal during matches shouting to the keeper which way to dive…I have a 20% success rate, which maths would suggest can only improve to 50%…unless they put it through his legs…which they do…a lot

 

Key skills: Shouting

Leisure Interests

During the week I am 100% dedicated to my job, however on weekends I enjoy lying soaking in a tub for 12 hours on a Saturday listening to my soft rock records and counting the tiles in my bathroom over and over again until I get a different result. I also understand many of the fans of your fine club were concerned by the fact your last manager Tony something or other lived in Dublin. You will not have that problem with me because I hate the place, I’m Galway through and through! I live very close to the stadium so as long as you provide me with a limousine from my house to training and matches we won’t have the same problem with the fans. As your fans are mostly simpletons I believe they will find the name Rory easy to work into their horrible chants.

Other Information

At the age of four I got my first erection which doctors say should have been physically impossible, the erection lasted for 3 years when it was surgically rectified by replacing my penis with a small industrial rubber that’s sometimes used to make tops of gear knobs in cars…myself and the lads joke about me putting her into second all the time…In terms of football, I like it!

References

Statoil/Centra                           Freda

Longford Town                         Peter Keenan

This CV is 100% Untruthful…well except for the Centra and Academic achievements..Just Give me the job we’ll worry about the Uefa licenses later.

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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