How to pitch Woo to a lady

Some guys out there struggle to get the ladies, not me of course because I’m awesome and don’t stink of failure but for some it’s a constant uphill struggle. So that’s why I’m going to give some tips to all the wannabe playas out there. Sit down and rhyme with me Son!!

Beware: IF YOU HAVE A VAGINA YOU WILL BE OFFENDED BY THE GENERALIZATIONS AND PIG LIKE ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR GENDER

Completely joking with this!! I don’t treat women this way but there’s little nuggets of truth in there. I just could have been a lot less vulgar and sexist in my wording but hey, thems the breaks.

1.) Women like Confidence

This is an old cliche and it’s actually true. But just like looking in your mirrors during your driving test, you have to make it overly obvious. Throw her a soft compliment followed by an undermining remark such as “You look amazing tonight, where did you get that top you are wearing? It must be really popular because I’ve seen three or four girls wearing that tonight.” You’ve shown you are interested and hurt her own confidence by suggesting she is common, increasing your own chances of doing the naked limbo as she clings on to the only guy she thinks she’ll be able to get.

Try to talk about your plans for the future and embellish them. If at the time your only hopes for the future are to get drunk every weekend and lie naked on top of her, tell her you hope to explore yourself and continue to learn and hopefully meet somebody to share your adventures with. She’ll think you are a deep thinker and creative and you are, only because you just creatively got into her cotton panties!?! Yeahhhhhh boyeee!

2) Conform to the social norms

Are you in a band? Do you play for a Rugby team or other sports team? Are you over 6ft tall? Are you in any way famous? If no to all of these questions you are not and cannot be unique at first glance to a woman. What is normal in your area? In Galway it’s either a hippy look or the lad look. If you don’t conform to these you will be seen as different and whilst you may think different will get you noticed for being different, remember no girl will brag about her boring looking boyfriend or have her Facebook profile picture with that strange looking guy. So go out and buy either a wooly brown sweater and khaki pants or get yourself a pink or light blue shirt and some hair gel my friend. If you can adapt your voice to be more nasally and over use the word “like” it might also help.

If you do choose to be yourself and are lucky enough to bag yourself a lady, beware, this girl could be marriage material and playa’s don’t get married. FOOL! Let her fall in love with you then when she least expects it sleep with her best friend, record it on your camera phone and post that shit on Facebook. Channel the spirit of the Playa’s God!

Kevin Federline Boyeee! He got with Americas sweetheart and just wrecked that chick! Also got rich, all the while getting crazy pussy yo! BALLIN’

3.) Start conversations and listen

A lot of guys find themselves sitting next to a girl but don’t know what to say to break the ice. The most obvious one’s are to ask about themselves right off the bat. Lean back playa! Every guy and his dog will try that and if the girl ain’t out to get laid then she won’t react to it. Talk about something else to begin with, make an observation in the pub or club, like pick a drunk person and say hey how much do you want to bet that guy goes to the toilet in the next 5 minutes to get sick…something like that eases into a conversation. Find out more about her then before getting to the usual “well what do you do?”. Ask her if she watches The Big Bang Theory or Modern Family or one of those shows that is safe. It’s ok for you to like them and not have her suspicious and it’s also very likely that she likes them, if she doesn’t then ask her what she does like and then tune out while she squirts the smelliest mouth bullshit you’ve ever been around. Listen in every so often to pick up on key words you can ask about if she ever does shut up. She will think you made a connection and that’s when you bring her home and slide it up her ass.

4.) Pay attention to her friends. If you don’t get sex the first time of asking and you still want to work for it. You will have to con her friends into liking you. I suggest you meet up with them when they are drinking. When they are all sauced up make a tame sexual joke that wouldn’t offend your grandmother like “Jaysus look at those two dogging into each other in the corner, I hope she doesn’t regret that in the morning haha”. It’s likely since they are girls (in Galway at least!) that they have slept with many un-savoury characters and later regretted it so they will enjoy that humor and your boldness for joking in a sexual nature. That’s when you hit them with what every gal pal wants to hear. Tell them you are enjoying being around such down to earth girls and it’s like your just out with some of the lads having the craic. For some reason that’s the ultimate compliment for a girl and it straight away puts you in the safe zone. It is of course bullshit, no girl is ever just like one of the lads but it works.

5.) Open up to her about something

Guys are hard nosed and we don’t share our feelings because we’re manly men, that’s why for a woman to think she has a unique place in your heart, you’ve got to share something with her that she thinks you wouldn’t even say to your friends. If you are too amazing and don’t have anything to say, make something up. I suggest you talk about seeing a dog getting run over by a car and how it was really sad for you or hearing about a baby that was born with a dodgey heart having an operation and getting through it with flying colors and how thrilled you were. The girls, they lick up that sappy shit up like a hooker licking cum off the dirty floor after you paid her an extra 20.

6.) Thoughtful gift

A lot of guys go for roses and champagne. Whilst this will woo the elitist middle aged cougars it tends to fall short with young wans. Just get her a card and write something sappy on it. Like “I am so happy I met you and look forward to the fun times together”. See it’s thoughtful and it’s not a lie… You are happy at the prospect of those fun times in the future, when you get to fuck her!….YEAHHHHHHH!

7.) Know your Limits

You can impress a girl enough to sleep with you without making her fall completely in love with you. If they fall for you, you are likely to get some crazy ass blow back when you don’t commit. If she starts to act in anyway crazy then you better prioritize my man, get the hell out of dodge. Sure you might get your balls moist if you stick with it but you may also get them ripped off when you shit all over her heart. Save your balls for the next ho.

That should be everything you need to know. Go forth and penetrate my comprades. May the pussy you find not be diseased ridden and/or rode to the point it’s lost it’s tightness. If in Galway, good luck finding that. Look for the City Fathers remix of Galway Girl… hint: long walk is long cock… HEY OH!!

Also in case you missed it at the top. Completely joking with this!! I don’t treat women this way but I think there’s little nuggets of truth in there. I just could have been a lot less vulgar and sexist in my wording but hey, thems the breaks.

I just Blogged my brains out,

Rory

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About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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One Response to How to pitch Woo to a lady

  1. E.C says:

    The lord save us and bless us!

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