Greatest Best Man Speech Never Told

This past November I was my brothers best man. Leading up to the big day I kept hinting that the speech was going to be great and that it mentioned all sorts of things like the priest fucking kids etc. Which it didn’t but I just wanted to get a rise out of him. Unfortunately I pushed so far that he got really paranoid and the bride to be and himself wanted to read the speech before I did it. Are you Serious Bro!?

I refused but compromised and delivered the speech in the video below. But here is my original speech for all to see:

At my age I’ve been to a few weddings in recent years of friends taking the plunge like these two. And usually on the day I’m thinking what the hell are they doing, they have so much more living to do and TODAY!!.. is no exception.

*Turn to bride and groom*

What are you thinking you fuckin idiots? why would you want to be tied down before you’re even 30?  You have the rest of your lives to be miserable and settle for staring across the room at one another with discontent. It’s not too late to get it annulled.

No?..well I tried.

I was suprised to be asked by Kevin to be his best man. We spent 9 months in the womb practically on top of each other and then spent the next 26 years avoiding one another.

I didn’t even realise he lost a finger until his stag night!… Look how grey he’s got!… Not the handsome twin anymore eh?

Most twins usually strive to be different from one another but we never did. It just happened naturally. I don’t think you could find brothers that are any more different.

For example

Growing up I got my dinner cut up for me, I got Chef sauce bought just for ME, when everyone had spaghetti I got steak…… where as Kevin got beaten.

When I read this to Jackie she said “but that makes it sound like our parents smacked us”, which is the last thing I’d want people thinking it was only our mother and in her defense, she was trying to quit smoking at the time and young children can be loud and annoying.

I liked things like Pro Wrestling and doing jig saw puzzles, I did my homework right after I got home from school and spent my weekends working and playing video games. Kevin can’t even spell book and spent his weekends in the company of Headfords FINEST  *do quotations gesture* “ladies”…sure he may have had sexual fulfilment but who completed Metal Gear Solid on the hard difficulty? This guy.

I think if people who know us were asked during our teens, “who would marry first?” Most would have guessed me…well I think most would have guessed neither because Kevin was a scumbag and I was a weirdo….but we’ve both changed..*look at Kevin and do the not so much hand gesture.*

Getting married is probably Kevins greatest achievement, the only thing I thought he was destined for was a bad case of the CRABS!! and death by a prison related shanking.

I’m kidding, I never thought he’d get CRABS!! and die by a shanking. As most of you are probably aware we came very close to losing Kevin in a freak boating accident this summer and that’s more like how I’d expect him to go. I had always thought the description of his death would read asphyxiation while surrounded by seamen.

In hindsight I’d trade places with him in a heartbeat. Sometimes he makes ya boil over in frustration with some of the stupid shit he does but he has always lived his life to the fullest and I’m sure he will continue to do the same after you’re married. Michelle, you haven’t just got a husband today but also another child to mind but with his child like ways and zest for life you’re also getting a great adventure.

I wish you guys the best of luck in the future.


About thecityfathers

We sit around all day stroking our beards, clucking our tongues and discussing what's to be done with this Homer Simpson
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