So after viewing the Euro 2012 draw I find myself looking off in the distance, my eyes wide with childlike wonder and hope filling my beating heart.
Now it would be quite easy for me to come on here, explain several reasons why we will struggle to get out of the group but what’s the point? Iv closed my eyes with a pinch of a smile on my face and thought about what may be…welcome to SteveLand… (que harps doing the doodley doodley sound effect) This is how Euro2012 would go if the tournament was hosted by the country that is my imagination…SteveLand.
Rather than making this a long story il just post the headlines and a bit of a summary of the match reports from the national newspaper “The Steve”
Game 1. “Ireland win handy enough like”
The Croats were shocked by the lowly Irish as they fell to a shock 2-0 defeat. Croatian danger-man Luca Modric was substituted early on after he was tackled by all 10 outfield Irish players simultaneously as Shay Given literally pissed himself laughing on his undisturbed goal line. He was then subbed off for Kieran Westwood due to his messy shorts. Given, still laughing, threw his soggy shorts into the stands and the crowd went wild! Luca Modric R.I.P
Game 2. “Whats a Spain?”
Crafty old Trapattoni still has it. Beating the Euro and World champions was to be no easy task for his pack of potato lickers but the tactics of the old Italian proved too strong for Spain. In a gentlemanly gesture to his opposite number Trap presented the Spanish manager, old Vince he calls him, with a basket of the finest pasta he could find at a local rat poison outlet. With every Spanish player out with ‘Crippling ass problems’ and unable to field a team they turned to Spanish fans to don the shirt. Trap, predicting this, hired The Pogues and The Sharon Shannon band to disguise themselves with Spanish jerseys and skinny mustaches. When the ref picked them it turned into a mad aul session on the pitch, yooooouuup schkiddddlley ey! Paul mcShane was told to stand in the corner with the ball for 90mins facing the floor as crowd members pelted him with Choc Ice after Choc Ice.
Game 3. “Mama Mia!”
The Italians were beaten narrowly by group winners Ireland in a truely fascinating match. With the game scoreless at the 89min mark Italy were awarded a penalty as John o Shea was deemed to have fouled Mario Ballotelli. O Shea was actually on the halfway line as Ballotelli threw himself to the floor but the ref seemed sure. Given, on his goal line, was furious with the Italian calling him “a diving woman”. SteveTV picked up Given screaming “Man up” at Ballotelli.
While preparing for the penalty Shay Given dropped trou. The crowd fell silent. As the penalty came in Given stood still for what seemed like an eternity. But as the ball hurled toward the top corner of the goal, given unleashed his manly man powers. A loud whipping noise was heard as Given saves the penalty…with his cock.
As shocked as Ballotelli was at seeing that his night was about to get worse. Mario was still in shock at what he had seen and his mouth was wide open. From a 93rd minute corner elder statesman Robbie Keane kicked the ball down Marios neck and threw him into the goal, the ref awarded the goal and Ireland top the group with a 100% record.
So that’s SteveLand for you…anything can happen if we just believe. Come on Ireland!!!
Put that in your blog